Thirty Years Ago at UCLA, a Woman In A Sorority Said She Was Raped. This is What Happened.

It was about 30 years ago when the talk of UCLA was about a young woman in a sorority gang-raped at a fraternity-hosted event. I was in a sorority but I did not know her personally. And yet, when I think about what happened to her and at UCLA after that event, I still get weepy.

Coming up with words for what happened is hard and I didn’t have them at the time. I would describe it as a traumatic frenzy on campus amongst women. My sorority had a private meeting in the basement which is something we had never done before. During that meeting, young women shared their experiences of having been raped, molested and abused. I was not one of those women and yet, the experience was profound — seeing and realizing how many women had hidden what happened to them to protect themselves and inadvertently, their abusers too.

There was a “Take Back The Night” March on campus where women from all over campus spoke about their experiences before we then marched around the perimeter of Westwood. All of these women came from different backgrounds, some in the GreekLife and some with no Greek ties. They all had one thing in common which is that they knew they were not safe — not fully.

That woman eventually dropped the charges. There were people who speculated that it was because she was lying. I didn’t believe that, and I don’t think most people did. What I saw was how much additional trauma, hate and speculation a woman could be subjected to after coming forward. There were those who said that it wasn’t rape because she consented to drinking and put herself in that position. That was the worst part for me — realizing that so many people were so quick to defend the men she said had victimized her and seeing how excruciating that was for every woman on campus who had been victimized too and just saw once again why staying silent feels like the safer option.

Here we are again. This time, national headlines and a very brave young woman who is publicly telling her story and refusing to be silenced. And I can’t help but think about all of the women out there who are re-living their own trauma of what they went through, what they couldn’t speak of, what they survived.

I know these women — they are my clients, my friends, and people I admire deeply in the world. I know this hurts them.

My work often unearths sexual trauma that haunts many of my clients. I have helped them using EMDR to reduce their symptoms of trauma. But it haunts me too. I think of their stories often. It shows up in my parenting as I tell my daughters over and over how careful they need to be, that their drinks can easily be spiked, that even men or boys who are their friends can violate their boundaries or hurt them, whether they are under the influence or sober. My son is tired of hearing me implore him to look out for women and to not tolerate bad behavior from friends. And still, I worry about them. EMDR may help heal the trauma but it doesn’t change the unfair and horrific reality that the trauma happened in the first place.

It has to stop. This has to stop happening. I can’t help but think maybe this woman’s bravery will change the culture. Even if it does, it doesn’t change the damage that’s already been done. And for all the women out there who are feeling their trauma all over again, I admire your strength. If you haven’t gotten treatment for your trauma, do it. You’re worth it. EMDR can be an effective treatment for trauma — you can find a local EMDR therapist at Emdria.org.